I Know it says Satire, but...

I started this blog out on a whim after a grueling day of dragging 24 AK47's across the Capital Wasteland in the game, Fallout 3.

It grew from there, as I played the game and then others and then I wrote what would be the death knell for the blog. But I will return.

Right now, I am leaving the blog title as is. I had wanted to call it The Wasteland Satire Guide- but the name was taken.

To my right is the first entry I wrote.

To read on click HERE

The First Entry Read

Life as it actually is in the Wastes
Journal entry #24

Having lost my original journal to a rather large mole looking creature who chewed it up with much snuffling and grunting, I am forced to start a new one in this ruined/scorched prewar book. Let me tell you it is good to know that there are literally thousands of these faded out books scattered all over the wasteland! Just about everywhere I go there they are with the other things that there seems no end to, rusty tin cans.
I had to dump my collection of those recently since I had picked up so many for Chris back in Vault 103 that I could barely walk. Okay, I left them behind with the journal as this mole dog thing came after me an I found a real valid need to run away. Man, I tell you they didn't cover that in the G.O.A.T.!

this is me Rusty from Vault 103 signing off and sleeping on about the rattiest mattress I have seen this side of New York (whatever that is).


Ah the Wonderful Laws of ENCUMBRANCE

Back when I was in the Vault as a kid we would play this game called Vaults and Dragons. We found this book way down in one of the rooms behind a stack of molded girlie magazines and a case of Nuka-Cola (empty) among several fairly decimated boxes of mentats and potato crisps. It was called Dungeons & Dragons.
I read it several times before deciding that Dungeons were just vacant or decrepit Vaults and when we started playing the game- we just ended up calling it Vaults & Dragons or V&D. Macky wanted to call it Vaults & Varmits but we locked him in the waste disposal until he took an oath to not even make any more stupid suggestions and we let him out after a couple of hours.
Anyway, In V&D there is this rule that says you can carry only so much loot, weapons, ammo, armor and gear before you start slowing down and then can't move at all. We almost never saw any point in the rule since who needs all that crap anyway? This rule was called encumbrance and was mostly ignored by all of us Grognak Barbarian classes.

Now I stand here and watch Tracy from Vault 98 making her way down to Rivet City hauling what must be a load of stuff. I say this because she is busting butt to get to the bridge since she's got 2 radscorpiaons and 3 super muties following her at a ever decreasing gap.

You see, out here in the wastes, you tend to pick up a lot of stuff that you will probably need tomorrow or next week and it loads you down. The odd thing is you can be carrying full capacity but everytime you check yourself in a store reflection all you see is your clothes, armor- if you are wearing any that day, 1 gun/weapon and a hat or helmet. It's totally deceptive.

For Instance, Tracy is carrying a Laser Rifle that looks to be in very good condition and wearing her Armored Vault 101 suit (yeah somehow there is only Armored Vault 101 suits- no other Vault uniform has ranked getting armored for some reason- inexplicable)  Still since she is trudging along very slowly I suspect she is hauling a load of loot to the City Marketplace for a stack of caps.

Me, I am running close to my Encumberance- that is what the Pip-boy on my left arm says when I check my inventory, I can carry 260 lbs of weapons, armor, gear and loot- and ammo, a junk like this leaf-blower and surgical tubing and food and chems and if you don't get the picture I can go on. However, since I am only carrying 258 of my 260 lbs capacity I can run rings around Tracy and those radscorpions and muties.

So I watch her for a while, then decide to help her out by shooting two of the Muties and 1 of the Radscorps while she shoots the others with her laser rifle. I like Tracy, mostly since she keeps me well in stock of burned and scorched books for the journal and she doesn't try to kill me. I guess you could say we might even be friends as much as you can with someone from Vault 98 anyway. She is king of Cute too which helps.

When I catch up to her we divide the loot off the Radscorps and Muties- which lucky for me repairs some of my loot and I keep my Exuberance  at 259/260 so I can still jog along. When I look at Tracy she shakes her head and sighs. We look back at the 300 yards to the tower to the bridge across the bay to the Aircraft carrier that is Rivet City. I can see her thinking about the 1 hour "stroll" it will take to get there at least.

"What is your Encumbrance at?" I ask dreading her answer.

You will never believe me. But it is so typical- especially with Hoarders like Tracy. 692/230!
Yep she is dragging 450 plus pounds of stuff across the wasteland since you never ever know when stash locations will get raided or how long a body will last in the wastes.

Deathclaw Stew

Here's how to make Deathclaw stew.
1. Make sure you take plenty of weapons.
railroad gun....check
laser rifle....check
missile launcher...need to get it repaired
Fat Boy...check (don't ask- don't tell, just pull the trigger and run like hell)
2. take lots of ammo....preferably ammo for the shotgun, raliroad gun, laser rifle, missles, mini nukes

3. sufficient body armor.
a couple of things. a) make sure it's thick. b) make sure it's light or c) make sure you can run in it.

4. big knife or chainsaw.

5. sack

6. good shoes.

7. spices.

8. pot.

9. matches or flame thrower

10. Stim Packs, and drugs, lots of drugs.

Now then, since you are prepared.
Things to remember:

1. Deathclaws are faster than you are.

2. Take a friend who moves slower than you do.

3. don't be afraid to make a mess. blow that deathclaw to pieces if you can since it will save the effort of determining if it is really dead and takes less time to cut up.

4. make sure you have plenty of room.

Okay, Good Luck out there.

Let me know what it tastes like.

Ralph, Vault 103

ps. Don't eat raw.